Jesse Gall

Alcohol and Geography: Strange Bedfellows

In Humor, The South on June 7, 2011 at 3:17 pm

A little geography lesson. Sevierville, Pigeon Forge (that’s Dolly!), and Gatlinburg all line up along one single parkway of touristy trafficy hell. It’s difficult to notice the city limit signs when your so distracted by eight different Ripley’s Believe It Or Not attractions and a Jurrasic Park Jungle Boat Ride, so one can find oneself rather lost sometimes. To help myself and other confused future visitors, I offer a simple guide to determining what city you are in.

First, try to find a liquor store. If you can, you’re in Gatlinburg. If not, you’ve narrowed it down. Next, walk into the closest restaurant and order something with liquor. If the cute little bartender tells you they only have wine-based liquors, try to avoid wasting too much time figuring out what the hell a wine-based liquor is and leave because you are in Pigeon Forge. Only wine and beers there.

Sevierville. No liquor stores but definitely liquor in bars.

Why is it like this? The only thing I can think is that Gatlinburg has too many airbrush Nascar shirts not to provide liquor, Dolly only likes her spritzers, and the people in Sevierville only drink at the bar because really, there’s nothing else to do and nowhere else to go.

Who said alcohol couldn’t provide a better understanding of geography? Not me.

Until the End, The Mended Blend.


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